As the 5 year anniversary of your death approaches, I cannot stop thinking about all of the things that have happened since you died. Some would make you happy while some would make you furious. Some would make you proud and some would make you ashamed and disappointed with the people who you thought you knew and trusted to surround me after you were gone. I am not sorry that you did not see the results of that last one. You would be as heartbroken as I am. Some things are out of our control and all you can do is surrender the things over which all of your efforts will result in no change.
I think that this has been my biggest lesson. When you were gravely sick, no matter how hard I tried, no matter which hospitals I moved you to, no matter which doctors we picked, the result was going to be the same. Through it all, I can however, rest my head peacefully at night and know that I did everything that a human could possibly to do to protect my husband and seek a miracle for you. In the end, other than supporting you and standing by your side on your final days, it accomplished nothing. You still died.
There was an evening after your second valve replacement when you were in ICU and, of course, they threw me out of your room. Rather than going to the apartment, I stayed at the hospital just to be able to be close to you. I went down to the chapel. I sat there alone knowing that you were upstairs and feeling very guilty that I was not next to you and offering the comfort that at least we were together. Something happened that night and I never shared this with you.
On that night, God covered me in a blanket of surrender. He let me know that none of this was up to me. I did all that I could do and now I needed to place you in His tender hands and let Him do what He picked for you. He cleared my mind so that I could focus on you and the gift that you were to me. He offered me the opportunity to spend our last days together in appreciation of each other and the rare gift that we were able to share together as a married couple for 35 years. You were my life’s blessing. I know that you are in the loving arms of the God who took you from me and I know that you are peaceful in Heaven watching over me. Even though I know that, I miss you to the depths of my soul.
The only way that I have learned to live with the reality of losing you is to make myself focus on how blessed we were and living in gratitude and appreciation for you. With me, you were always kind and gentle. You were attentive and supportive. You held my hand and kissed me on my forehead. I was your priority each and every moment. You chose me until the last breathe that you took. We were hard wired together in body and soul and not a day goes by without shedding tears of missing you.
Five years. Five minutes. Five moments. In some ways, it does not matter. You are still as real to me as the day we got married.
I miss you terribly.