Dear Larry:
You loved Star Trek and all things Sci-Fi. I walked out of these movies rubbing my ears and saying, “What the heck was that all about? I don’t get it”. You would just laugh when I predictably went into my rote diatribe about how all of those movies are alike. They have some space mission. Some alien force sneaks its way onto the vessel—-unbeknownst to the captain who, by the way, has the most sophisticated computer and security systems imaginable—and takes control of the computer system and the vessel. They all run around in a panic. They blow up stuff. They do impressive outer space ship maneuvers to avoid getting blown up. Some folks get sick (so the ship doc gets a part in the show) or sucked out of the space ship (it beats having to fire the bad actors) until the Captain, #1 or Spock, in a moment of genius, figure it out, destroy the alien or send him back to his ship and all live happily ever after. You thought I was committing sacrilege! You saw and reported distinct differences in all of the movies. I only went because you loved them, and I liked popcorn. Ironically, our last movie together was a Star Trek movie.
We were together so much and for so long, I think that we developed our own version of the Spock Mind Meld. This happened for us mainly when we were out in public at gathering with lots of people. We would both be engaged in different conversations and look at each other across the room. We would shift our eyes to the person we wanted to criticize and continue our individual conversations. Later, when we reunited, we would talk about what we meant, and we always got it! I knew exactly what you were telling me with your eyes, and you did too. “Where in this modern world does a dude find a seersucker suit and why does he decide to wear it? And, oh by the way, his little son had on one as well!” Then we laughed. Most of the time there was no need to speak it as all we needed was the shift in the eyes and a nod between us and we just knew. This was our version of the Spock Mind Meld. This was our own version of a telepathic melding of two minds into a common thought. Sometimes it got downright spooky!
It became a joke between us. You would be out around lunch time and call to ask what I wanted to have for lunch. You hated it when I said it, but I always said, “Just get me what I like”. That drove you nuts, but you always managed to get me exactly what I liked, and I always loved that you took care of me. Never did you decide to eat lunch and not offer the same for me.
I think while you were in the hospital you turned your mind meld off. You did not want me to know what you believed. You did not think that you would survive but did not want me to give up hope. I wonder if you just did not want to see the look of desperation on my face. You knew that I would never give up on you no matter what they said. This was better left unspoken.
Now that you are gone, I miss having someone who understands my every thought and need without explanation. I now have no one to give ”the glance” and know that they get it. I have to go into laborious explanation, they will never get it and I think I need to quit trying. I am chasing a rainbow that you took with you when you went to Heaven and I will never be able to catch it. It was uniquely “Our Thing” and I will never recapture it.
The vacancy created by the loss of intimacy of our mind to mind conversations leaves me empty. I have spent much of the last 14 months searching for that among the living around me and all I find is sadness and frustration. The bottom line is that most people are far too absorbed in themselves to even notice. I have only succeeded in creating more sadness ad emptiness for myself.
As I was walking today, I was listening to music and Sammy Davis Jr. offered me his solution. “I Gotta Be Me” blared in my ears and the words made me fall to my knees on the walking path. I feel like you sent those words to me exactly at they moment. “Whether I’m right or whether I’m wrong. Whether I find a place in this world or never belong. I’ve gotta be me.” I played it 4 times while on my knees doubled up in tears and the 5th time, I picked myself up. I looked to the sky for a sign from you and you sent me clouds shaped like a kiss. Your message to me today was profound. You know how hard this week has been for me and this was the message I received. If they love me or hate me, I have to be true to me and true to the memory of US.
I love the messages that you send me. It is as if our Spock Mind Meld transcends life and death. Know my love, that I look for them and do not ignore them. They are your gift to me from Heaven. I miss you so much that my heart aches.
Your wife,
P