It was such a simple gesture. It should have been just an ordinary moment. It happens every day or at least it used to. It turned out for me, to not be simple at all and certainly not ordinary.
As I walked to the office, I reached for the door. He said, “Oh no” and grabbed the handle and opened the door. I heard myself gasp and freeze in place as I instinctively brought my hand to my heart. What swallowed me at that moment brought back feelings that I have not experienced for the two years and eleven months since you have been gone. I just said, “That makes me cry” and he knew he had touched a sensitive spot. He asked, “Are you OK?” before we began our business meeting. I lied and said “Yes”.
What that moment swept me back to was being with you and the things that I desperately miss since you have been gone. You took care of me—-my heart, my body, my soul…with an instinct only honed by years of being together. It never looked like an obligation. I experienced it as your depth of love for me and as a “want to” rather than a “have to”. I miss feeling cherished and valued. I miss feeling safe when you held me. I miss knowing that no matter what the circumstance, you defended me even when I was wrong. I miss that you are no longer here to protect me and deflect from me the things that you knew weighed heavy on my mind or heart. I miss not having you as a place to go to put my head on your chest when I just need to cry. I miss having you as my only safe place to pour out my frustrations and challenges and hear your calm and logical suggestions for solutions. I am floating without the safety of you tethered at the other end to pull me back securely to the ground. I am raw and vulnerable without you standing in front of me as my personal warrior. Without you, I feel like I am just faking it and I am not especially happy with how I need to be in this world to survive without you by my side as my parachute.
I know in my guts that you sent this man and his son to help me though a very difficult business situation. I told them both exactly that when we first met and as we stood on the parking lot looking at the devastation the hurricane created to our building, we looked on the ground and there were 3 dimes and a penny. I told them that you sent these for us. There was a dime for each one of us and the penny was for me. When we finalized our deal, he had thoughtfully taped the 3 dimes and 1 penny to the bottom of the paperwork. With that, I knew that you were still taking care of me from heaven and you sent them to take care of me on earth because you could no longer do it. Know my love, that you picked well, and he has done what you sent him to me to do and more. Still, I desperately miss your physical presence and how you protected me while standing back and allowing me to stand in my dignity. I was so blessed to have the honor of being your wife.
I love you,