I miss you so badly that it feels like a physical ache at the core of my body. This must be where our souls live because mine feels broken and empty. There are times that I feel a need to talk to you, to share my day, to pass ideas by you and get your feedback. Last night before I went to sleep, I prayed to you to come to me. You did not disappoint. You came to me in a dream.
I was away from our home and you found me. As I woke up in my dream, you were laying beside me. “I asked you to come and you did”, I said. You smiled and encircled me with your arms. I looked at you and you were as if you were a healthy man. You were radiant and happy and content just to be there next to me. “Where are your dialysis tubes?”, I asked. “Gone”, you said. “I am free”. “Then I have plans,” I said. “I can come and spend the entire summer with you. Now they cannot stop me from coming into your room and being with you”.
“You can’t”, you said. “You have things to do. You promised me and you cannot come with me now. I am OK, but you have things to do for me”. I knew without words what you were talking about. We discussed this before you died and you made me promise to carry on our business but most of all take care of our family in your place. Your sons. Our granddaughters. Protect their families and their precious wives. Our dear friends. Oversee. Love and protect them. Do what you would have done. Be present for them in place of you.
As you look down on us from Heaven over the past year, I pray that you are proud of what you see. There are some parts that shame us all, but we have no control over that, and you saw that part coming. You warned me, but I was still blindsided. The rest of it, I hope that you are happy with what you see. We do it all in your honor and feel your guidance and your spirit. On the evening of your birthday as we gathered to celebrate you and perform your cake ceremony, our youngest granddaughter said, “I wish Boo Boo was still here”. We all wish you were still here as your absence from our family and our world leaves a gaping hole that can never be filled.
Know, my love, that I will take your guidance from my dream very seriously, “You have things to do” and I promise you now as I did before you died, I will do them in your honor.