Yesterday after I wrote our story about Paris, I began to think about the dance we did together over all of our so few years. I guess all couples carve out their roles. In some ways, you were the brain and I was the heart. You were steadfast and methodical. You were predictable and dependable. You were the calm in our crisis and above all of these, you were my protector. I always knew that you had my back. In business, at home, or out in public, you took pride in a united front. No one wedged between you and me. You stood between me and them always aware of where I was and protecting me from physical and emotional assault.
My son, years ago, had become a chronic liar. We knew that we needed to handle it and do it quickly. Your conversation with him began with, “You are not going to treat my wife, your mother in this way”. Even when you were handling issues with the boys, you honored me.
So now you are gone, and I feel like I am floating out here alone. I will admit it, you spoiled me. You took care of being sure that I was okay. When we took a trip, all you did was tell me when we were leaving and when we were returning. I did nothing to prepare for any of the adventures you took me to experience. You planned them all and we had breathtaking adventures all over the world. Now that you are gone, I am ashamed to admit that even booking an airline flight is a huge stress. I had not had to do it in so long that it had become unfamiliar. I lost my travel buddy, my adventure companion, my playmate, my life love.
Weeks have gone by and you have not come to me in my dreams. I know you have not left me because I sense your presence. You are guiding me through my current business project, and I am confident that the decisions I am making for our company are solid. You would be excited about the corner we are about to turn, and I feel you leading me with every choice I make. But you have not been in my dreams and I miss you.
I comfort myself by saying that you are busy getting oriented to Heaven. You have not left me you just have other commitments right now. And every night after I kiss you goodnight, I climb into our bed alone and the last thing I do is pray to you. I remind you that I love you and miss you. Last night I prayed for you to please visit me in my dreams. And you did.
You must have known that I feel exposed and vulnerable. I miss my protector. In my dream I was cold. You arrived with a thick blanket in your arms. You came to me, covered me, tucked in the blanket, gently touched me and then you were gone. Even now, you are my protector.
I hope that you know how hard I tried to be your protector during your illness. I scratched and screamed with the doctors and negotiated with God on your behalf. Sadly, I was not nearly the protector for you that you always were for me. But, know that I tried in all of the ways I knew how. In the end, I failed, but know that I tried. If I could change the end of our story, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Now I have to learn how to protect myself. You taught me well and I need to learn to do it. The problem is, I don’t want to. I want my protector back.