You came to me in a dream last night. It was so vivid, and you were so alive. I got to touch you and hold your hand and talk with you. You have not come to me in quite some time and I was beginning to wonder if you had transitioned to the next step in your eternal reward….one that excluded the need to stay attached to anything mortal and release yourself from me.
I read a thought written by a woman who had lost her husband 9 years ago. She wrote that she felt that it was the obligation of the living to release our loved ones who have passed. She felt that holding on to them created a place of Limbo for them and kept them tethered to the mortal world. In some ways, she felt, it is selfish and cruel on our part to hold on so tight and that it is an act of love to release them.
Since reading this, it has haunted me. Are they asking us to forget you? I cannot take a knife and cut out 40 years of memories filled with you and me and what we created together. Not only was it your life, it was my life too! It was US. It is why I am who I am, and I cannot just erase that. I cannot bear the guilt I would feel if I did in fact forget about you and the significance you are to me. Am I keeping you in Limbo? Am I keeping you from passing into your rightful place in Heaven? Am I being selfish and self-serving, keeping myself warm in the feelings that surround me when I think abut you? Too many questions and no accurate answers in this life. These are God questions and He does not seem interested in reveling the mysteries to us on earth. All I know is that right now I am not even close to being ready to release you. If this is keeping you tied to the mortal world, I am sorry that my selfishness and my need for you keeps you frozen. Even if you came to me and begged for release, I am not sure that at this time I could do that. That was just one woman’s thoughts that suggested this was the way. It was certainly her way of squaring spiritually with herself when she felt the need to walk away. It made me think, but I am not sure that her theory works for me. At least not now.
When you came to me last night, you kept warning me of the same thing. You kept telling me that they wanted to hurt me, and they wanted to kill me. I knew you did not mean in the physical sense, but I knew what you meant and to whom you were referring. You told me to stand strong and firm. You told me several times to protect myself. That seemed to be your message to me and your supernatural warning. What I took away is a knowing that you are still with me. You know all that is going on and you are the shadow of my protection. In my soul, I feel you will keep me safe even through this unexpected journey that I must take alone. The obstacles have been heart breaking. The estrangements for no real reason have come as a shock. The foundations that I thought our family had shattered so easily. That no one has joined my army in attempts to fix what broken is shocking. That all were willing to see our family splinter and not fight for what we had before shakes the core of my belief system. Where is our family? Why is any of this okay with all of them? Have they no values attached to my portion of the family? That they have all let a portion of our family drift away and no one mention of it makes me question what I believed we had all of our lives. Was it all a lie? A façade? A show? Without foundation?
When you come to me in my dreams, you always have something to tell me. I promise, my love, I will not ignore what you are coming to tell me. I think these trips to me are not without huge spiritual efforts on your part. In death as in life, you prove over and over again that you are willing to move Heaven and Earth for me because you love me. Everything has changed except one thing since you died. I still love you with my entire heart and soul and miss you more than any words could every express. Thank you for the visit.