Every night before I go to sleep, I spend some time quietly thinking about you. I don’t think so much about memories and the moments we shared, I think more about how you are now. I wonder how you spend your day in heaven. The concept of no human body is difficult for me to comprehend, but often I feel you with me in whatever new form you are in, and I try to imagine you in your new self. You are my guardian angel; I am certain, and I hope that all of the things that I ask of you do not tether you to this earth and to me if your goal is to be a spirit of God. Go if you have to, my love, because in the spirit way, you are no longer mine, but I will continue to talk and pray to you every night if and until you send me the message to stop.
My last thoughts each night are of you. I tell you that I love you and miss you and I ask you to come to me in my dreams. Last week, you did.
We had worked that day and, as we often did while you were here, we planned to meet for dinner. I parked in a high-rise parking garage and got out of car. It was a glorious sunny and warm day and I began to walk across the lot toward the exit. It was then that I saw you and I stopped walking. I looked at you and you took my breathe away. You were dressed immaculately as you always were. Beautiful black slacks. Sharp pressed creases. White starched shirt with your monogram on each cuff. The onyx and mother of pearl cuff links that I had given you. Your black and white tweed jacket hanging from your fingertips, slung over your shoulder. Your wedding ring catching the sunlight. The love bracelet you always wore that now, in life, I wear next to mine. Young. Fit. Healthy. Your beautiful prematurely gray hair. It was YOU when we were US. You turned and saw me. “There you are!” you said, and I sensed a true joy in your spirit to see me. “I have missed you”, I said and ran to you. You opened your arms and caught me as we met. You put one arm around my waist and your other hand behind my head, drew me onto your chest and held me there.
When I woke up, I remembered the dream right away and I thanked you for coming to me. As I thought about each moment of that dream, I noticed a very different reaction in myself. Every other time you have come to me, I woke up with tears streaming down my face and the ache of loneliness and loss in my heart for you. This time, I awoke in a state of calm and peace and the realization of a feeling that I have not felt in the 18 months since you have been gone. I felt cherished! I felt the strength of your hand holding my head safely to your chest. I felt the steadiness of your arm around my waist. I felt your protection enclosing me. I felt how you always cherished me and told me how I was a gift to you. Having not felt that in 18 months, it felt like going home to you and it brought me security and comfort. I know that this was your way of offering me one more moment to feel cherished by you. Thank you, my love, for coming to me and giving me a chance to relive one more time how it felt for me to have the honor of being your wife.
Forever your wife,